Respond Not React When Emotions Hijack You
April 28, 2008 | Leave a Comment
Responding instead of reacting is a way to use emotional intelligence to control impulsive action.
Response: A consciously chosen purposeful action to a life or workplace event or situation.
Reaction: An impulsive, unconscious reaction to a life or workplace event or situation.
Button Pushing
You may be familiar with the phrase “Pushed my buttons - An expression that usually means “Someone has done something that tapped into my emotions and caused me to react.” Daniel Goleman labeled that “emotional hijack” - when your emotions take over and you react.
Fight or Flight
There’s a good reason why you react. Your elegantly designed body/mind, and in particular your emotional brain, goes to work to defend you from perceived threat by triggering your “fight or flight” response and your body readies itself to fight for your life or run. When this happens your thinking brain is temporarily disconnected and impulse rules.
Mispercieved Threat
Is it a good thing to have a part of you designed to move you to action if your life is really in danger. Of course. The problems comes with the mis-perception of threat. When you mis-perceive Change as threat, boss as threat, conflict as threat. When your fight or flight mechanism is triggered in those situations you lose your problem solving ability when you need it most.
Learn To Respond Instead
Fortunately, there’s another part of your brain, the pre-frontal cortex, that can offset the action of your emotional reaction and help you take a more rational approach to solving problems. And that part of your brain can be developed. You can build the muscle to control your impulses and respond purposefully in the moment, from unlimited options, instead of just the two - fight or flight.
What to do to practice:
1. In the morning before you start your day - remind yourself this week that you can choose to respond instead of react. Use this as a mantra to guide you through your week as you are greeted by life’s challenges.
2. Manage yourself in the moment. When you recognize yourself reacting take a few deep breaths, count to 10 and ask yourself, is there another way of looking at this situation? And, what is the best choice for me right now? How do I want to choose to be?
3. At the end of your day briefly review how you did. When were you reacting? When were you responding? What did you learn? What do you want to do differently.
Changing habits is challenging. Tune in for motivation and support plus more EQ Tips for making positive change.
Joseph Liberti
EQ At Work
May be freely distributed as long as you keep this bit: “Joseph Liberti, founder of EQ At Work, is a master EQ coach who coaches leaders and coaches to liberate authentic power and creativity using emotional intelligence. You comments and questions are welcome at http://www.eqatwork.com. For Motivation for change visit Joseph’s podcast at http://www.yesyoucan-podcast.com”
Sphere: Related ContentAssure A Great Day With Emotional Intelligence
April 22, 2008 | Leave a Comment
You can assure that you have a great day using a skill of emotional intelligence to shift your attitude.
Your attitude can be described as your outlook, point of view, or way of thinking. It is the lens through which you view your world and it shapes your experience. If your mindset is pessimistic you see the glass as half empty and every one of life’s challenges is a problem. If your mindset is optimistic, you see the glass as half full and every challenge is an opportunity.
Your attitude is also a product of your ability to use emotional self-management - The skill of positively influencing your emotional state to shift from discouragement and disappointment to an encouraged and optimistic attitude.
“Oh Yeah,” “I’ve heard that attitude stuff before” you say. But are you taking your attitude for granted and underestimating your power to create your experience of life?
Your attitude can transcend even the most difficult of situations.
Victor Frankel, who faced death daily in a Nazi concentration camp, wrote in his book, Man’s Search for Meaning, “Everything can be taken from a man or a woman but one thing: the last of human freedoms —to choose one’s attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one’s own way.”
So, shift your attitude right now.
Simply acknowledge that you are feeling discouraged and that you can choose to adopt the mindset that today is going to be another wonderful day to be alive. Tell yourself that everything you encounter is another opportunity for learning or happiness. Your thoughts have power - The power to influence your emotions and….what you think about is what you create.
And, if that voice of pessimism rises within you again, just tell it “thank you for sharing,” say to yourself, ” a part of me wants to feel discouraged but I can choose to have a great attitude right now.”
Key: Acknowledge emotional state before shift.
Don’t just ignore your emotions. I have found in working with my coaching clients over the years that the shift works best when you first acknowledge and accept your present emotional state and then choose to shift.
Do you have the power to assure a great day? Remember what William James, the famed psychologist said, “The greatest discovery of my generation is that human beings can alter their lives by altering their attitude of mind.”
Joseph Liberti
PS
You can listen to a recorded version of this topic and more at www.yesyoucan-podcast.com
Sphere: Related ContentYay-Me File: Acknowledge Yourself
April 16, 2008 | Leave a Comment
I really like this idea from Slacker! I can be a great way to acknowledge yourself and access your most positive resource state.
So often I work with coaching clients who are striving hard to perform and are hyper self-critical. They get into a groove where it is easy to find fault with themselves and difficult to recognize what they have done well. Unknowingly they also project their negative self-judgement onto co-workers, which limits their ability to enjoy collaboration and harmonious working relationships. And their focus on only the negative erodes their self-estemm and self-confidence making it difficult to rebound from failure of disappointment and maintain their optimism.
An antidote to self-criticism is conscious self-acknowledgement. Try recognizing yourself for the good you do…And the positive way you are being! You can make notes about the tasks you have accomplished but don’t forget to note things about your way of being like: “I managed my fear in the meeting today and was able to see some benefits in the new changes.” And, “I didn’t lose it with that difficult customer today and was able to eliminate a problem.” Or, “I was able to inspire my team to rise above a challenge today and really create synergy.”
Yes, you may be able to use your Yay-Me file in your performance review, but the greatest value may be to remind you of your own gifts and the good you do in the world! Take a few minutes today to acknowledge yourself.Enjoy,
Joseph
Technorati Tags:
emotional intelligence, Work, self-esteem, acknowlegement
Three Ways To Deal With Obnoxious People
April 8, 2008 | Leave a Comment
Dealing with obnoxious people at work requires steadfast application of your emotional intelligence.
People who are behaving in a way you think obnoxious are probably in a state of emotional hijack - cognitively disabled and run by impulse. Three ways to deal with them:
1. Don’t join them! Don’t let yourself be hijacked too. Connect with your sense of purpose. Breathe, count do what you must but stay present and positive.
2. Try to validate their emotional experience. EG “I understand how you might be angry (or anxious or frustrated etc) about this.” This doesn’t always work but frequently helps defuse emotional hijack.
3. Don’t make it personal. Don’t attribute malicious intent towards you. Tell yourself “this is not about me.” Because, it isn’t. They may be being insensitive and ignorant but it’s because of their emotional blinds spots - not about you.
Here’s what Daniel Goleman recently wrote about civility.
Link: Civility at Work at Daniel Goleman - Author of Emotional Intelligence and Social Intelligence.
Sphere: Related ContentIn the emotional intelligence model, self-awareness and managing our emotions well are the keys to self-mastery. Once we stabilize in a positive state, we can become senders of that positivity to others. And that suggests one strategy for dealing with an obnoxious encounter – stay calm and clear, be firm but friendly. Because every interaction is a system, this can have a positive impact on the other person. And even if they do not change how they are acting, we can leave their negativity behind as we go on to the next encounter.
Guarantee Your Results With Attitude
April 2, 2008 | Leave a Comment
There’s one thing that can guarantee that you have a good day today. A good attitude! And there’s another that can guarantee you won’t have a good day. Guess what that is.
“Oh Yeah,” you say. “I’ve heard that attitude stuff before.” But are you taking your attitude for granted and underestimating your power?
Join Joseph Liberti for some daily encouragement in this brief Yes You Can Podcast
Sphere: Related Content
