Use emotional intelligence to deal with your fears of confrontation.
Reflections from a coaching conversation yesterday:
Client: “I thought his web site was not clear and complete and people were not getting the correct information they needed. I didn’t say anything because I didn’t want to hurt his feelings.”
What’s Really Going On?
Have you ever said or thought something like that? Consider this perspective: Who is that statement really about? “I don’t want to say anything that would hurt his feelings,” is really saying. “I don’t want to say anything that would risk hurting my feelings.”
It affirms that you actually do have control over other’s feelings and they have control over yours. Neither is really true. No one can make you feel anything unless you choose it. You are each responsible for your own, thoughts feelings and actions.
Try This: If you are in that situation and looking for a differnt approach try this:
Reflect: Identify your real feelings when you anticipate confrontation. (Don’t just stop at “I’m uncomfortable” or “It’s unpleasant.” Go to the deeper level of feeling you really don’t want to feel. Maybe it’s the sadness of loneliness you don’t want to feel if the confrontation were to result in you being left alone.)
Label: Put a name to the feeling and claim ownership of it. It’s about you, not them. Saying and accepting the feeling gives you more command of your self.
Re-Frame - In the context of serving others: What can you say that would serve this person?
Re-Structure – In the context of possibility: Put your statement in the form of a question. EG
- What affect do you think this website copy has on potential clients?
- What would happen if this said…?
- I found this easy section easy to misunderstand. What if others were having the same difficulty?
- Is there another way of saying this?
How do you deal with confronting what’s true? What works for you? What doesn’t?
Joseph Liberti
{ 2 comments… read them below or add one }
I really enjoyed this artical. It really made me challenge my thought process and ask myself why I do the things I do. It’s not that I have trouble confronting the truth. I except and embrace the truth, even though I may not like it sometimes. But what really got me thinking is when it said that “it’s not that i tryed to hurt his feelings but that I didn’t want him to hurt my feellings”. And that just made me think about the things I say and the actions i do. For me, its not that I’m shy, it’s just that i dont want you to think less of me as a person for any givin reason, or jude me in other words.
This article allows me to know a thing I did not realize about myself, that I may be acting on the purpose of what others will think of me.