Comments on: Let Go Of Control With Emotional Intelligence http://eqatwork.com/2008/08/let-go-of-control-with-emotional-intelligence/ Extraordinary emotional intelligence coaching and training since 1998 Mon, 17 May 2010 13:52:01 -0700 hourly 1 http://wordpress.org/?v=3.0.1 By: Allan Howse http://eqatwork.com/2008/08/let-go-of-control-with-emotional-intelligence/comment-page-1/#comment-573 Allan Howse Tue, 15 Sep 2009 21:36:56 +0000 http://eqatwork.com/?p=221#comment-573 Thumbs up for this article, thank you. Thumbs up for this article, thank you.

]]> By: leona dawson http://eqatwork.com/2008/08/let-go-of-control-with-emotional-intelligence/comment-page-1/#comment-74 leona dawson Mon, 25 Aug 2008 21:09:02 +0000 http://eqatwork.com/?p=221#comment-74 Hi Joseph, Control is great issue to explore in times of rapid change when we can see ourselves and others trying to find more and more ways to bring a sense of continuity and stability in our lives. ahh...you can see here that I have, very much, expressed my underlying need or value that can give rise to "control strategies". So when I hear what sounds like a control issue from another person or out of my own mouth (or in my thinking), I have a chance to celebrate! Yes, CELEBRATE!!! By noticing my/their words or actions (and my own thoughts) I am empowered to connect to transform, through connection, what otherwise might become a downward spiral or push, pull, resist or blank out. I feel grateful and encouraged when I remember to listen for what LIFE, the living energy of my needs and values, is trying to tell me. Control issues are needs in disguise and I can connect with the need hiding behind the strategy. Let me give an example: When I hear myself saying or thinking: "Why can't she just get on with the job" I have an opportunity to connect with my needs and her needs "I'm feeling anxious because I really value timeliness" (and here I notice a big sigh as I connect with what's alive in me) AND "I'm guessing she may be feeling uncertain or discourged about how to complete this task, or maybe she needs more information or support?" Now I can connect with my colleague from the heart rather than from my judgmental thinking arising from my own fear and anxiety. Connecting & empathising doesn't mean agreeing or complying. It simply means hearing the deeper, more vulnerable needs or values behind the strategies. Once we connect to needs a whole range of strategies open up in front of us in which both our needs may be met. This comment is based on Nonviolent Communication, the work of Marshall Rosenberg. Hi Joseph,
Control is great issue to explore in times of rapid change when we can see ourselves and others trying to find more and more ways to bring a sense of continuity and stability in our lives. ahh…you can see here that I have, very much, expressed my underlying need or value that can give rise to “control strategies”. So when I hear what sounds like a control issue from another person or out of my own mouth (or in my thinking), I have a chance to celebrate! Yes, CELEBRATE!!!

By noticing my/their words or actions (and my own thoughts) I am empowered to connect to transform, through connection, what otherwise might become a downward spiral or push, pull, resist or blank out. I feel grateful and encouraged when I remember to listen for what LIFE, the living energy of my needs and values, is trying to tell me.

Control issues are needs in disguise and I can connect with the need hiding behind the strategy.

Let me give an example:
When I hear myself saying or thinking:
“Why can’t she just get on with the job”

I have an opportunity to connect with my needs and her needs
“I’m feeling anxious because I really value timeliness” (and here I notice a big sigh as I connect with what’s alive in me) AND “I’m guessing she may be feeling uncertain or discourged about how to complete this task, or maybe she needs more information or support?” Now I can connect with my colleague from the heart rather than from my judgmental thinking arising from my own fear and anxiety.

Connecting & empathising doesn’t mean agreeing or complying. It simply means hearing the deeper, more vulnerable needs or values behind the strategies. Once we connect to needs a whole range of strategies open up in front of us in which both our needs may be met.

This comment is based on Nonviolent Communication, the work of Marshall Rosenberg.

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