If you want to be a masterful coach, develop mastery in emotional intelligence.
People who choose to coach have a passion for helping others. Their intent is to coach at the highest level possible to empower clients to realize their goals and tap their full potential for success and happiness. Coaching at the highest level possible is dependent on emotional mastery and requires that we develop our emotional intelligence (EQ) to the highest possible level.
“Oh, but my emotional intelligence is very high,” I can hear coaches say. I understand, and I am sure EQ is very important to you. In our EQ At Work coach certification program I mentor the certification candidates. My experience mentoring these coaches, who come from all levels of training, certification and experience has shown me there is vast opportunity for significantly increasing coaching effectiveness with emotional intelligence.
In coaching audits, in which I review recordings of client coaching sessions, followed up by mentor coaching and feedback I see lots of opportunities for using EQ to improve results. in this brief article let’s just explore emotional intelligence by focusing on one thing I frequently observe coaches doing: Passing up coachable moments.
Passing Up Coachable Moments
For convenience let’s agree that a coachable moment is one in which the client reveals him or herself unconsciously. It is typically a moment of dissonance. They say one thing but your experience is really different. EG They say, “No that doesn’t bother me at all.” But your emotional, visceral experience is quite different and the subtext of their speech seems to be, “That really affects me but I’m not gonna show it.
You know that when you are aware and alert and present, you would probably ask questions to support their awareness of what is really going on. Or you might even share your experience of the dissonance. When you are conscious you know that “glitch” in their presentation might even be a breakthrough opportunity, and you investigate. In my coach training programs I teach my coaches to “Listen for the Disson,” to seize those opportunities.
But, you might be amazed at how often I have observed that the coachable moment is passed by. How does that happen and where does emotional intelligence come in?
What Happened?
I ask the coach, “did you notice when that thing happened?” (When the client said or did that) “Well yes,” they often say, “I did think that was a little odd but I didn’t know what to say or do and I felt uncomfortable about going there so we went on.” When I explore further with the coach, “uncomfortable” usually means either or both: “it brought up emotions in me that I didn’t want to deal with” or “when the client did that I did not want to deal with their emotions.”
Sometimes when I ask my mentee, “did you notice when that thing happened?” (When the client said or did that) They will say, “Gosh no. that just went right by me.” Later when they go back and listen to the recording again and notice how obvious the situation was they are surprised. Why didn’t they notice? Same reasons – they were not able to tolerate the emotional experience and went temporarily unconscious.
Trust me on this one. I observe this all the time. OK so maybe it doesn’t happen to you much. Or maybe it does. This is not an indictment but an invitation. Give yourself permission to consider there are missed opportunities and commit yourself to finding some. I guarantee you will. Then what do you do?
Required Emotional Skills
There are several EQ skills that are required to be most effective in this situation:
- The ability to recognize one’s own emotional state and the effect it is having on one’s thoughts and choices.
- The ability to sustain an experience of one’s own emotions, without avoidance yet without being compelled to react.
- The ability to recognize the emotions of others and gain deep insight and understanding.
- The ability to “be with” the emotions of another without avoidance yet without being compelled to react.
If my mentee coach had been able to demonstrate these skills to a higher level, she would have be able to be present to the coachable moment and may have supported the client to greater self insight and more purposeful choices.
Don’t Underestimate The Challenge
“Of course,” you say. “I know that.” Thanks for reminding me Joseph. I’ll be on the lookout for those situations.” Take heed. We are expert at avoiding our feelings. We are so practiced at it that it takes very powerful concentration to get past our own blind spots and internal resistance. If you are serious about gaining mastery adopt a very specific practice for improvement.
Try This:
- As you listen and observe your client, also be a compassionate witness to yourself. Notice your own feelings and put a name to them as they arise. EG When he just said that I felt _________.
- Don’t ask, “why do I feel that way?”
- Don’t tell yourself, “I shouldn’t feel that way.” And don’t try to get past or resolve the feeling. Just feel it and observe yourself.
The very act of putting a name to the feeling quiets the amygdala and reduces the opportunity for you to get “emotionally hijacked” when stimulated by the client emotions and actions. Over time you will develop a greater capacity to “be with yourself.” As you do you will also increase your capacity to be with others and their emotions. That will make you increasingly effective.
What Are You Teaching?
Remember that you are always teaching something. The question is what. When you let a coachable moment pass you may be teaching it is OK to be inauthentic. Developing emotional mastery enables you to be as present and authentic as possible and gives your client the invitation and opportunity to do the same.
If you are a coach would like to take your coaching to a higher level and would like an audit of your coaching, write me at jliberti@eqatwork.com.
Copyright 2009 Joseph Liberti
Joseph Liberti, Founder of EQ At Work, coaches leaders and coaches to liberate authentic self using emotional intelligence. Your questions and comments are welcome at jliberti@eqatwork.com or www.eqatwork.com
