A Coachable Moment – Don’t Let It Pass
During a coaching session there are moments in the conversation that present a unique opportunity for learning and change. They could be moments when the client is unusually lucid and is able to say exactly what is stopping them from being, doing or having what they need to live the life they desire.
More often they are times when the client reveals him or herself unconsciously in something they say or something they don’t say. It is typically a moment of dissonance. The client says one thing but, if you are tuned in and really paying attention your experience is really different. EG They say, “No that doesn’t bother me at all.” But your emotional, visceral experience is quite different and the subtext of their speech seems to be, “That really affects me but I’m not gonna show it.”
To be an extraordinarily effective coach you must be able to recognize and act on these opportunities as they arise. Simple you say? But, you might be amazed at how often I have observed in mentor coaching that the coachable moment is passed up – by new and experienced coaches alike. How does that happen?
What Happened?
Coachable moments are passed up when the coach is more concerned with surviving the moment than coaching. The coach may be anxious about being able to serve the client and look good doing it. They are trying hard to think of the next thing to say or do that will add value.
Coachable moments are passed up when a coach is afraid to ask a question, or challenge the client – thinking either “I should know what that means” or “I don’t want to risk offending.”
Sometimes coaches avoid engaging in those moment because they unconsciously sense the importance of what has been said or left unsaid, but are afraid they can’t handle it.
Emotional Blind Spots
I ask the coach, “did you notice when that thing happened?” (When the client said or did that) “Well yes,” they often say, “I did think that was a little odd but I didn’t know what to say or do and I felt uncomfortable about going there so we went on.” When I explore further with the coach, “uncomfortable” usually means either or both: “it brought up emotions in me that I didn’t want to deal with” or “when the client did that I did not want to deal with their emotions.”
Sometimes when I ask, the coach will say, “Gosh no. that just went right by me.” Later when they go back and listen to the recording again and notice how obvious the situation was they are surprised. Why didn’t they notice? Same reasons – they were not able to tolerate the emotional experience and went temporarily unconscious.
Trust me on this one. I observe this all the time in mentor coaching. OK so maybe it doesn’t happen to you much. Or maybe it does. This is not an indictment but an invitation. Give yourself permission to consider there are missed opportunities and commit yourself to finding some. I guarantee you will. Then what do you do?
Required Emotional Skills
There are several EQ skills that are required to be most effective in this situation:
- The ability to recognize one’s own emotional state and the effect it is having on one’s thoughts and choices.
- The ability to sustain an experience of one’s own emotions, without avoidance yet without being compelled to react.
- The ability to recognize the emotions of others and gain deep insight and understanding.
- The ability to “be with” the emotions of another without avoidance yet without being compelled to react.
When you as a coach are able to demonstrate these skills to a higher level, you will be able to be present to the coachable moment and will be better able to support the client to greater self insight and more purposeful choices.
Don’t Underestimate The Challenge
“Of course,” you say. “I know that.” Thanks for reminding me Joseph. I’ll be on the lookout for those situations.” Take heed. We are expert at avoiding our feelings. We are so practiced at it that it takes very powerful concentration to get past our own blind spots and internal resistance. If you are serious about gaining mastery adopt a very specific practice for improvement.
Try This:
As you listen and observe your client, also be a compassionate witness to yourself. Notice your own feelings and put a name to them as they arise. EG When he just said that I felt _________.
Don’t ask, “why do I feel that way?”
Don’t tell yourself, “I shouldn’t feel that way.” And don’t try to get past or resolve the feeling. Just feel it and observe yourself.
The very act of putting a name to the feeling quiets the amygdala and reduces the opportunity for you to get “emotionally hijacked” when stimulated by the client emotions and actions. Over time you will develop a greater capacity to “be with yourself.” As you do you will also increase your capacity to be with others and their emotions. That will make you increasingly effective.
What Are You Teaching?
Remember that you are always teaching something. The question is: What? When you let a coachable moment pass you may be teaching it is OK to be inauthentic. Developing emotional mastery enables you to be as present and authentic as possible and gives your client the invitation and opportunity to do the same.
Don’t Take The Skill For Granted
If you really want to command these skills your must learn and practice them. In our EQ At Work Coach Certification Training, you will learn the skills of emotional mastery and learn techniques that enable you to stay present while guiding the client to discovery.
Copyright 2009 Joseph Liberti Joseph Liberti, Founder of EQ At Work, coaches leaders and coaches to liberate authentic self using emotional intelligence. Your questions and comments are welcome at jliberti@eqatwork.com or www.eqatwork.com
