How can I manage myself when I am dealing with people who are being rude, impolite or sarcastic?
That was the question I got in a recent email from a new client. My response might give you some useful ideas:
People are frequently rude and impolite. And sarcasm is a way that their unconscious feelings leak out. When people do those things, it’s not personal. it is just unconscious or ignorant. Often if you call attention to their behavior they are either surprised or think they have been attacked.
First manage yourself. Identify and accept your thoughts and feelings and then before responding ask yourself “what is my intent right now?”
EG. Do I want to right a perceived wrong? I am just hijacked? Is this something I need to express myself about because it is important to our relationship? Did my values just get trampled and do I need to express? Choose what is important and when you need to say something.
If the person is a friend or a person you have a close working relationship with and it is important to you to establish a way communicating in your relationship you might respond one way. If the person speaking is a casual contact, you might just forgive them their ignorance, feel compassion for them and say to your self, “this is not about me.”
The EQ At Work communications model is an excellent communications tool for responding to make corrections in relationship. Example: When I heard you yell “shut up” I felt sad and disappointed and I thought I don’t have the kind of relationship with you that I really want. And I just wanted to go away and avoid you. What I want you to know is, “I want our working together to be productive and friendly and I need for both of us to speak to each other kindly and with respect for that to happen. Is that what you want too?
Obviously this is the kind of communication that requires that you are not in emotional hijack and one that works best when you have established the opportunity for focused communication. EG, “Sandra can I talk to you privately for a moment?”
If you are not in emotional hijack you could even use humor. “You know when I was a kid in school and someone told one of us to shut up We used to say, “I don’t shut up I speak up and every time I look at you I want to throw up.” (That came from my school days.)
Final thought: When you are not velcro, nothing sticks to you. And your ability to be composed is teaching everyone around you how to be.
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