In the board game Monopoly, a “get out of jail free” card can set you free to play the game. In life, developing emotional intelligence can set you free to play life full on and be more effective and happy.
Whether it’s a board game or the game of life, stuff happens. Your experience of the game is determined not by what happens, but by what you do with what happens – the choices you make and the actions you take.
Stuff happened where Barbara, my new client works. Her supervisor appeared to have made a decision affecting Barbara’s job, without communicating with her about it. Barbara assumed the worst, thought her boss was manipulating her and started avoiding contact. She might have been proactive, asked for a meeting with her supervisor and clarified her role, but she didn’t. What stopped her? An emotional blind spot.
In life, every moment is made up of what you think, what you feel and what you choose. If you are consciously aware of how your emotions are influencing your thoughts you are free to choose from virtually unlimited options in how you respond to any situation.
But if you have an emotional blind spot and are unaware of the feelings that are motivating your behavior, you have no choices. You are stuck in fight or flight mode and can only react impulsively. Being caught in fight or flight mode is as limiting as being in jail. Separated from yourself and others, restricted to only that which enables your basic survival.
When I asked Barbara to identify the emotion she had when she learned about the possible changes, she could not, or what might be more true is she would not. She avoided her feelings as she had conditioned herself to do over time, and also avoided her supervisor. She was in a prison of her own making.
Barbara needed some support to learn how to tune in to her feelings and not just get caught up in her assumptions and rationalizations. When Barbara began to recognize and accept her true feelings, her heart opened up. She was able to tell me that she really cared about her supervisor and valued their relationship.
Now free to consider new options, she left a coaching session prepared to talk with her supervisor, while at the same time, accepting and managing her own feelings. Barbara took the first steps out of jail and with a little more time and practice will be able to stay free and responsive when similar situations occur.
Some or you who read this will understand and relate with Barbara. Some will react and say to themselves, “Well maybe Barbara needed therapy but I don’t.” Some will be intrigued and curious but cautious. And some are ready to learn. One way to get started is to consider a challenging situation and ask yourself, “What feelings am I really feeling now?” “How are my feelings affecting my thinking now?” and “How might be I limiting myself?”
The development of emotional intelligence is vital for all of us. Emotions are natural and everybody has them. Yet we have all been conditioned in one way or another to avoid feelings, and that has limited us. The good news is we can learn and develop our ability to recognize, manage and use emotions intelligently, and that’s not therapy. Your opportunity is to take responsibility for your feelings thoughts and actions and set yourself free.
Joseph Liberti
Joseph LIberti, founder of EQ At Work, coaches leaders and coaches to liberate the power of authentic self using emotional intelligence and the power of choice. Questions and comments are welcome at http://www.eqatwork.com and jliberti@eqatwork.com EQ At Work is the leader in emotional intelligence coaching certification
