Let Go Of Control With Emotional Intelligence

August 24, 2008

Are you addicted to being in control?

Recently several people wrote to me about their need to control. In one case, by “overprotecting” adult children and in another by limiting the “negative” effects of change in the workplace.

Trying to stay in control at all times and control all things is exhausting and limiting. When we are compelled to try to change the situation, ourselves or others we are really emotionally hijacked. We struggle to stay in control as an alternative to dealing with our feelings. Being out of control provides the illusion that we are safe.

In this post you can take an assessment and get an idea of how much of an investment you have in control. You can also listen to my most recent podcast on the subject. at www.yesyoucan-podcast.com and while you are there, check out more free podcasts on using emotional intelligence.

Joseph Liberti

Click Here To Take The Assessment

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Posted by Joseph Liberti | Filed Under Balance, EQ Tips, Podcasts, blog 

Comments

One Response to “Let Go Of Control With Emotional Intelligence”

  1. leona dawson on August 25th, 2008 2:09 pm

    Hi Joseph,
    Control is great issue to explore in times of rapid change when we can see ourselves and others trying to find more and more ways to bring a sense of continuity and stability in our lives. ahh…you can see here that I have, very much, expressed my underlying need or value that can give rise to “control strategies”. So when I hear what sounds like a control issue from another person or out of my own mouth (or in my thinking), I have a chance to celebrate! Yes, CELEBRATE!!!

    By noticing my/their words or actions (and my own thoughts) I am empowered to connect to transform, through connection, what otherwise might become a downward spiral or push, pull, resist or blank out. I feel grateful and encouraged when I remember to listen for what LIFE, the living energy of my needs and values, is trying to tell me.

    Control issues are needs in disguise and I can connect with the need hiding behind the strategy.

    Let me give an example:
    When I hear myself saying or thinking:
    “Why can’t she just get on with the job”

    I have an opportunity to connect with my needs and her needs
    “I’m feeling anxious because I really value timeliness” (and here I notice a big sigh as I connect with what’s alive in me) AND “I’m guessing she may be feeling uncertain or discourged about how to complete this task, or maybe she needs more information or support?” Now I can connect with my colleague from the heart rather than from my judgmental thinking arising from my own fear and anxiety.

    Connecting & empathising doesn’t mean agreeing or complying. It simply means hearing the deeper, more vulnerable needs or values behind the strategies. Once we connect to needs a whole range of strategies open up in front of us in which both our needs may be met.

    This comment is based on Nonviolent Communication, the work of Marshall Rosenberg.

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