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Let Go Of Control With Emotional Intelligence

August 24, 2008 | 1 Comment

Are you addicted to being in control?

Recently several people wrote to me about their need to control. In one case, by “overprotecting” adult children and in another by limiting the “negative” effects of change in the workplace.

Trying to stay in control at all times and control all things is exhausting and limiting. When we are compelled to try to change the situation, ourselves or others we are really emotionally hijacked. We struggle to stay in control as an alternative to dealing with our feelings. Being out of control provides the illusion that we are safe.

In this post you can take an assessment and get an idea of how much of an investment you have in control. You can also listen to my most recent podcast on the subject. at www.yesyoucan-podcast.com and while you are there, check out more free podcasts on using emotional intelligence.

Joseph Liberti

Click Here To Take The Assessment

Emotional Intelligence Or Emotional Expression?

July 9, 2008 | Leave a Comment

Yes, effective emotional expression is an emotional intelligence skill that can be developed.

“I have recently been reprimanded at work about an emotional outburst during a staff meeting. My boss’s boss told me that she felt disrespected during the meeting and I have been tasked to read a book by Goleman. They say I need to work on my emotional intelligence. I would argue I need to work on my emotional expression. I felt very strongly about an issue and I let me feelings be known. I believe I have emotional intelligence and I need to work on my expression. What do you think?

My answer:

Emotional Intelligence - Awareness At The Speed Of Life

May 20, 2008 | Leave a Comment

Fast! Fast! Fast! You live in a fast world. If you are like most people you speed through the minutes, hours and days of your life trying to keep up: With whom? With What?

With everything. “I’ve got a lot to do today,” you say. “I’m running late you say.” “I’m behind,” you say. Run. Run. Run. Sound familiar?

You may be racing through life trying to keep up, but the speed of life keeps accelerating. People tell me, at work they have more to do and less time to do it in. And aided by technology, change happens at a faster and faster pace.

In today’s world, you are not trotting down life’s country lane as in a one-horse buggy, you are roaring down life’s super highway as in a 1000 hp turbo charged race car.

And there’s an interesting little problem…. you are frequently driving blind.

That’s right. You often may not know where you are going, or even why you are going there. And you often you don’t see the pitfalls ahead. Why? Because, you are not aware.

You are often not are not aware of the emotions that influence your thoughts and your choices. You are often not aware of the subtle but powerful forces that compel your behaviors. As a result you may not be fully aware of the choices you make that determine your results.

“Wait a minute” you say, “I am pretty aware.” Well if you are you are in the minority. In the last 15 years I have worked with thousands of people and completed emotional intelligence assessments on hundreds of them, and most had very low ability to recognize and understand their emotions. In fact, if you are like most, you are not even aware of what you are not aware of.

But, this is not about keeping score or judging you, I am trying to make a point that is important to you no matter how aware you are.

In today’s world, living without awareness is like racing in the dark without headlights.

I doubt if you would get in your car tonight and drive at 100 mph down a dark road without headlights. So, why would you do that with your life?

Consider this, what you are aware of empowers you. What you are unaware of has the power to control you and sabotage your success and happiness.

Here’s an example: Read more

Emotional Intelligence - Confronting What’s True

May 13, 2008 | 2 Comments

Use emotional intelligence to deal with your fears of confrontation.

Reflections from a coaching conversation yesterday:

Client: “I thought his web site was not clear and complete and people were not getting the correct information they needed. I didn’t say anything because I didn’t want to hurt his feelings.”

What’s Really Going On?

Have you ever said or thought something like that? Consider this perspective: Who is that statement really about? “I don’t want to say anything that would hurt his feelings,” is really saying. “I don’t want to say anything that would risk hurting my feelings.”

It affirms that you actually do have control over other’s feelings and they have control over yours. Neither is really true. No one can make you feel anything unless you choose it. You are each responsible for your own, thoughts feelings and actions.

Try This: If you are in that situation and looking for a differnt approach try this:

Reflect: Identify your real feelings when you anticipate confrontation. (Don’t just stop at “I’m uncomfortable” or “It’s unpleasant.” Go to the deeper level of feeling you really don’t want to feel. Maybe it’s the sadness of loneliness you don’t want to feel if the confrontation were to result in you being left alone.)

Label: Put a name to the feeling and claim ownership of it. It’s about you, not them. Saying and accepting the feeling gives you more command of your self.

Re-Frame - In the context of serving others: What can you say that would serve this person?

Re-Structure – In the context of possibility: Put your statement in the form of a question. EG

• What affect do you think this website copy has on potential clients?
• What would happen if this said…?
• I found this easy section easy to misunderstand. What if others were having the same difficulty?
• Is there another way of saying this?

How do you deal with confronting what’s true? What works for you? What doesn’t?

Joseph Liberti

Emotional Self Awareness

May 8, 2008 | Leave a Comment

How aware are you of your emotions?

In what way would it be valuable for you to be fully aware of your emotions? How would that improve your life or work?

Well, any moment or situation either at work or in the rest of your life, includes these components: What you think, what you feel and what you do. Emotions are what move you to action – for better or worse. The very name comes from the Latin “e motere” or to move. If emotions move you, wouldn’t it be a good idea to know how?

To be most powerful and effective, you must be aware of your emotions and how they influence your thoughts and actions. But how do you learn to do that, especially when you have been trained not to?

That’s right, trained not to. You see, your biological potential for sensing and feeling emotions is huge but you have been socialized to regard logic as valuable and emotion as not. As a child you were told. “stop that crying there’s nothing wrong with you.” And in the workplace you were trained to “leave your emotions at the door.” We were told that emotions cloud decision-making. It is not emotion that clouds decision-making but the misuse of emotion. In fact, even an accountant looking at a financial spreadsheet filled with numbers must use her emotional brain to give context and meaning to what she is seeing.

So to overcome the social bias and reclaim your natural sensibility you must consciously choose to be aware. And you must choose to train yourself to sense, understand and use emotions to your advantage.

Try this: In any situation stop and ask your self, what am I feeling right now? How is that feeling affecting my thoughts?

As you focus your attention on your emotions you will increase your awareness and begin to command emotions and use them as information for decision-making and not just something that happens to you.

Joseph Liberti, EQ At Work

Respond Not React When Emotions Hijack You

April 28, 2008 | Leave a Comment

Responding instead of reacting is a way to use emotional intelligence to control impulsive action.

Response: A consciously chosen purposeful action to a life or workplace event or situation.
Reaction: An impulsive, unconscious reaction to a life or workplace event or situation.

Button Pushing

You may be familiar with the phrase “Pushed my buttons - An expression that usually means “Someone has done something that tapped into my emotions and caused me to react.” Daniel Goleman labeled that “emotional hijack” - when your emotions take over and you react.

Fight or Flight

There’s a good reason why you react. Your elegantly designed body/mind, and in particular your emotional brain, goes to work to defend you from perceived threat by triggering your “fight or flight” response and your body readies itself to fight for your life or run. When this happens your thinking brain is temporarily disconnected and impulse rules.

Mispercieved Threat

Is it a good thing to have a part of you designed to move you to action if your life is really in danger. Of course. The problems comes with the mis-perception of threat. When you mis-perceive Change as threat, boss as threat, conflict as threat. When your fight or flight mechanism is triggered in those situations you lose your problem solving ability when you need it most.

Learn To Respond Instead

Fortunately, there’s another part of your brain, the pre-frontal cortex, that can offset the action of your emotional reaction and help you take a more rational approach to solving problems. And that part of your brain can be developed. You can build the muscle to control your impulses and respond purposefully in the moment, from unlimited options, instead of just the two - fight or flight.

What to do to practice:

1. In the morning before you start your day - remind yourself this week that you can choose to respond instead of react. Use this as a mantra to guide you through your week as you are greeted by life’s challenges.

2. Manage yourself in the moment. When you recognize yourself reacting take a few deep breaths, count to 10 and ask yourself, is there another way of looking at this situation? And, what is the best choice for me right now? How do I want to choose to be?

3. At the end of your day briefly review how you did. When were you reacting? When were you responding? What did you learn? What do you want to do differently.

Changing habits is challenging. Tune in for motivation and support plus more EQ Tips for making positive change.

Joseph Liberti
EQ At Work

May be freely distributed as long as you keep this bit: “Joseph Liberti, founder of EQ At Work, is a master EQ coach who coaches leaders and coaches to liberate authentic power and creativity using emotional intelligence. You comments and questions are welcome at http://www.eqatwork.com. For Motivation for change visit Joseph’s podcast at http://www.yesyoucan-podcast.com”

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